The Trials and Tribulations of Being ‘The Shy Girl’

Wednesday, 19 September 2018

Ah yes, a memoir by me. I’ve discussed my struggle with shy on my blog before, I begrudgingly admit it has been a huge part of my life over the years. While so many people suffer with being shy, it doesn’t get talked about nearly enough. I share somewhat of my life online and writing is quite therapeutic for me, this swiftly leads me on to opening up and sharing my experience about the STRUGGLE of being ‘The Shy Girl’.

Primary school was particularly difficult. I wouldn’t put up my hand, I was always the girl in the class who you had to force a few words out of. I’d get embarrassed if a teacher asked me a question. I’d much rather sit silently, ticking by and let everyone else do the talking. Thanks to this, I became ‘unfamiliar’ and I’d be the person that people would forget. Even though I longed to be the person in the room that held the conversation, strutted up to the center of the stage but I couldn’t bear the thought of doing it. My parents got told “she’s doing great, but she’s very quiet” at parent teacher meetings but nothing changed with me over the years. I’d be the child who was swinging out of my parents at events and who refused to order Dominos over the phone because I just couldn’t bring myself to do it (God forbid the Dominos man judged me for ordering a margherita pizza).

Shyness gets misunderstood for rudeness, I’m sure people have thought that I was rude countless times in my life. I have self-diagnosed social anxiety, something that I know for sure I have been suffering with all my life but have only really come to terms with in the last few months. It is so hard to explain; any other person would get on fine if they bumped into a random old acquaintance on the bus but the panic that rouses in me isn’t normal and I know that now. My hands would get clammy, my face would turn red and the panic would rise within me almost causing a fight or flight response.. All for seeing an old acquaintance in the shopping center, weird how the brain works isn’t it?

My friendships and relationships are complex and something that I’m still trying to figure out, even after all these years. I don’t start off shy with everyone- I could chat to my friends and family now for hours. Sometimes I just click with people and other times I’m much more reserved and it takes me time to open up and be myself. Sometimes I freeze and just can’t let go and be myself- I find it so strange and can’t put my finger on why it can be polar opposite from person to person. 

Top / Bottoms / Hat (sold out) / Boots
 
I feel like this can help me though, it is almost like an indicator to me, a gut feeling to what a person is really like. My gut feeling has never really failed me, especially about the people around me. This comes into play for me especially with relationships. When I was a teenager, I didn’t have a whole lot of luck with boys thanks to the reason that I just froze when I talked to them (hilarious when I look back at it now but traumatic at the time lol). To me, boys were a strange species that you just could not have a conversation with. I couldn’t deal, I just got too panicked. If I met a guy I liked I desperately wanted them to like me back however a little siren was going off in my head with a little person yelling ‘SOS, A CUTE BOY, WHAT IF HE LIKES YOU? SAY SOMETHING TO MAKE HIM LIKE YOU’. As you can imagine, it just made me more panicked and I ultimately ended up just not saying anything and kicking myself later lol! 

As I got to the end of my secondary school years, I gained confidence and became much better socially (luckily enough) with people that weren’t my friends. I thank alcohol for this (sorry mom) but it did really help me come out of my shell and loosen up a bit. I feel like relationships shaped the last few years of my life and I can see exactly why I was initially attracted to my two ex-boyfriends. It was because I was instantly comfortable with them. The siren was not going on in my head and I just felt at ease. Although I can’t say my first relationship was smooth sailing (no beef just a reflection in hindsight haha), it sure did teach me a lot and it was what I needed at the time to test my shyness and to have someone in my corner cheering me on when I needed it. When I met both of my exes, I felt like I had known them years and at ease, there is no other way of explaining it.
I’m proud of how far I’ve come. I remember the look on my mam’s face when I came home from a blog event explaining that I went completely alone. I walked in with my goodie bag in hand, she was intrigued as to what was in it, followed by the question “and who did you go with?”. When I answered by myself it was an interesting mix of shock and pride. Walking into an event is daunting to begin with and it is even scarier when you’re by yourself. Networking is something that I’d like to work on, but one step at a time ok haha. 

Sure, it has been one of the hardest things I have dealt with in my life, I wouldn’t change it. It’s easy for me to reflect and see the humorous side of it all now which I’m very glad to be able to say. Now I’m an empathetic listener, I have good perspective on things, I’m laid back and I love a DMC- all aspects of myself that I’m not sure I’d have if it wasn’t for my shyness and social anxiety. Sure, I’d rather be able to rock up to a group of strangers and be able to sit and chat for hours about pure shite but the reality is, that’s just not me!

I don’t know the point of this post, if it was helpful to anyone, insightful or it just passed the time on your commute to work. It is an aspect of my life that I want to share, felt like I had to share for all the people that know me both personally and that don’t, for people that have thought I was rude to them in the past when I’m just ticking along trying to figure out my own mind and WHY I’m freaking out so much. This is a post for all the gals and guys who are currently so shy, it gets better, it gets easier, it just takes time.